New Rule: Consenting adults, not governments, must be the ones to decide what constitutes a marriage. But if you applaud that for gay marriage, you have to applaud it for polygamy. Which comes from "poly" meaning "many" and "gamy" meaning a musky odor in the bedroom. Now, by now, I'm sure you've heard how the Mormons are upset about a new HBO show called "Sex With the Entire City." But, you know, Mormons should just be happy that Scientology came along and made them the second-weirdest.
But, for everybody else, if you really are for the principle that all families don't have to look alike, then you have to admit polygamy is hot! And if you take the husband out, it's even hotter! That's right. I'm not only for polygamy, I'm for gay polygamy. Okay, lesbian polygamy. But, really, I'm for any sexual perversion the Swedes can dream up and the Japanese can make disgusting.
So - so when the conservatives say gay marriage could lead to polygamous marriage, I say, "Quit selling, Jesus-freak. You had me at 'hello.'"
Now, it comes down to who decides what love is, and what commitment means. The government? A church? No, sadly, it's Dr. Phil. Who, it was in the news last week, is selling his Ferrari. That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the "fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!"
Which, of course, is Italian for "I'm not banging my wife." It's also all the evidence you need that the dirty little secret about polygamy is that it really does suit human nature. Because middle-aged women, they don't want that fat, beer-breathed old coot climbing on them anyway! So, ladies, why not let the latest-to-be-hired do the crummiest job. Just like at the office.
Maybe it's monogamy that just isn't natural. And don't tell me about the prairie vole. Yes, the prairie vole is monogamous. That's because it has no cash. Also, all voles look alike. They have no idea if they're screwing or masturbating.
But the question all women have to look in the mirror and ask themselves is, "Would you rather be the second wife of George Clooney or the only wife of Willard Scott?"
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Maybe we should just do like the Ferengi and sign contracts for a specific period of time and service, to be re-upped if desired by both parties when the contract has run its term. It was the soundest thing I'd ever heard about marriage. You know it's going to end, so you don't do stupid things. You know what's expected of you so there are no surprises. And it doesn't discriminate against anyone. Gay, straight, figure 8, it's all good.
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