I am sending this e-mail (and now, posting it on my blog) in lieu of my attendance at Jeff's stag.
In my place I'd appreciate it if one of you could read the following statement:
I have known you as a friend since before we attended grade 9 together - a length of time that is only surpassed by the number of days you have so irresponsibly sought to grow that horrible goatee. But I send this message to you not as a plea to invest in personal hygiene (though for the love of god man, shave that thing off before you have your wedding pictures taken!), but rather as the last chance I will have to communicate with you before you make the leap into marital bondage. Forever. And Ever. Or, perhaps merely till death do you part.
Damn that’s a long time my friend, and there are many important things to say before you go.
Let me start then with this; despite appearances to the contrary, the bachelor party is not about you. It is really about those deviant souls who are in attendance. They will feel the need over the course of the evening to drink themselves stupid, to mock you incessantly, and to visit strip clubs. This is tradition and you shall not stand in its way, for this is the last time that you are a free man and can engage in these activities with us as the Jeff we know and love. For soon, that Jeff will be but a mere appendage of the fine Nicole, and while we celebrate your ascension into perpetual sexless servitude in the name of marriage, we will miss the Jeff we know and love.
And so I hereby charge that you will drink to excess, accept the mocking without bitterness or ill-spirit, and revel in the vast lakes of naked flesh that will no doubt cap off this last evening as a man without shackles, or need to purchase feminine hygiene products.
For this is your sacred duty as both a man and our friend, and you shall not shirk it.
Along with this important public service announcement, I wanted to reminisce about the Jeff I know. The Jeff who fought vigorously with me over the pronounciation of 'anathema', the Jeff whose basement I spent many a bright summer day rolling dice with far too many sides, arguing over which of us would claim the magic sword. The valiant Jeff who on our first day of highschool stood between his friends and a group of vicious upper class men insistent on covering us with raw egg. Some less kind might suggest that the fact you tripped immediately before their onslaught was the cause of you being singled out for abuse, or that even if you hadn't tripped you were simply too slow to avoid the attack, but we all know that you were actually taking the eggs meant for all of us.
Thank you for that.
Let me also remind everyone of the selfless spirit you possess. As an example I am brought back to the occasion where you helpfully offered to reconfigure my computer for improved performance. After an hour or more of defragging my hard-drive, and consequently permanently erasing all those pesky word files I had built up in my mistaken and pathetic attempts to create literature, we celebrated the death of all those files with a sample of flora that when burned produces a sense of euphoria in most - and apparently a vicious attack of nausea and vomitting in yourself.
Your selflessness apparently knows few bounds as your were insistent on not just sharing your computer skills, but also your stomache contents with me, my keyboard, table, floor, and carpet.
Thank you again.
I have no regrets about the damage done by the acid in your stomache contents either. The keyboard you brought over for me was more than enough compensation, even if it was previously used by someone who had finger warts, and was damaged in such a way as fry the motherboard moments after it was plugged in - I know it was the thought that counts, and yours have always been the purest of pure thoughts and intentions.
But you are clearly more than merely just a selfless computer genius, willing to demonstrate the inner products of your digestive tract to a friend. Few people are aware of how just respectful you are of others feelings. As an example of this largesse of your soul, I offer two things; your wardrobe, and your facial hair.
What man could possibly dress so slovenly, so against the grain of common sense, so incomparbly defiant in his 'homeless-chic?" you ask? Only a man possessed of such radiant beauty that he felt he must hide it from the world lest they feel ashamed to be in his sight.
Yes, the fact is Jeff dresses the way he does not because he has no fashion sense what-so-ever, or because he had that large portion of his frontal cortex removed, but in fact because he does not wish the rest of us to feel slighted by his beauty.
I am sure the rest of the people around you will agree, that this is manifestly true.
Now, lastly, let me comment on that other characteristic most singluar about Jeff - his distinctive facial hair.
Clearly whatever that thing is, it is not meant to be a 'beard' in any sense that the rest of mere male-kind would understand. Perhaps it can be seen as an ironic statement on how male-ness is not a function of mere testosterone.
Regardless, without any even moderate genetic or hormonal ability to do so, Jeff forced upon us this thin wasted excuse for face covering - in contravention of all that is decent and good.
Jeff would not do so without good reason, so I suspect it is less about succesfully growing a beard than it is about claiming victory over brute nature by making the attempt despite the sure knowledge of failure. So like Sysyphus ever pushing his rock up that hill in Hades, Jeff refuses to trim the horror that clutches to the nether areas of his face and neck.
In this way, I think we can see that while his 'beard' is at first glance a mockery of all facial hair ever grown in the history of man, it manages by sinking to a level of such pure awfullness to transcend 'beard-ness' and reside, along with his fashion sense, on a much different plane. A plane where it could never, ever, arose the jealousy of his fellow men.
What a man. Truly your greatness is beyond our worthiness.
I encourage those around you to raise their glasses of ale in salute and to drain them as a testament to your glory.
For Jeff is a Jolly Good Fellow, and a man I am sincerely proud to call my friend.
Congratulations on your marriage Jeff!